Dear Gossips,

Prince Big G’s big first birthday is next Tuesday. PEOPLE has him on the cover this week to celebrate with details about his life. He’s one. I mean, I love that kid and the aggro Henry VIII genes bashing around is his blood stream but even I can’t be bothered to care about the mundane day-to-day activities of the future king, unless it involves food fights, antique destruction, taking a sh-t on his great grandmother’s lap, and being corrupted by his uncle Hot Harry. Pretty sure that’s not going to be in the article. 

Yesterday I received a BREAKING NEWS ALERT in my inbox. I always click on those first.

Nick Lachey and wife Vanessa Minnillo pregnant with daughter.

This is breaking news? Two D list celebrities, married to each other, expecting a second child?

Now here’s a pregnancy I do care about (sort of): according to US Weekly, Ryan Gosling is doing all the cooking for Eva Mendes and she wants pasta and he’s a wonderful pre-father. But only because it’s biting your ass so much that she’s having his baby when you always imagined that you would be the one to have his baby.

Yours in gossip,