Dear Gossips,

Prince Big G turns a year old on July 22. So Vanity Fair is celebrating him by putting him the cover. I don’t understand why none of them, especially him, the star of the show, are looking directly AT the camera. Perhaps it’s meant to convey how connected they all are as a family. But this kid, he’s given us some good face. Some really good crabby, I WANT I WANT I WANT face. And if you’re going to do this, if you’re going to make a baby your cover star, you might as well go all the way with it.

As for the article, it’s boring. He was colicky and hungry. He wasn’t a great sleeper. Something about a nanny. Something about renovations. Jesus, is this gossip now? That an infant cries a lot and needs to eat and can’t keep a sleep schedule?

Tell me about the time he uttered his first word: MINE.

And about how many antiques he manages to smash in one week.

How about when he went to see the Queen, ripped the bifocals off her face, and broke off one of the arms?

Come on. That has to be more interesting than reading about a BABY’s daily routine, God. Click here for more in Vanity Fair on Prince Big G.

Yours in gossip,