Dear Gossips,

Someone wrote to me the other day requesting to examine the Justin Bieber baby situation from another angle: what if it’s all been planned by his people? Like the ultimate play to evolve Bieber’s public perception from a teen with pimples (although he annoyingly seems to have the clearest skin ever) to young adult with functioning sperm? Justin will eventually be exonerated, (trailer park) Mariah (not Carey) will eventually be paid off, but they will have achieved their goal: you were willing to believe that Justin Bieber could get it up, stick it in, make it go off (in 30 seconds), and produce a child, on his way to becoming a man.

Oh but they’ve made us so cynical, haven’t they? We can’t even look at a proper paternity scandal front on without examining it for secret chambers and trapdoors. If that’s really the case here, well, it’s not the meek who shall inherit the earth, no. It will indeed be the youth. Even in matters of celebrity media manipulation. Justin Bieber and his generation of famewhores will eventually make the old school shenanigans of the Brange, Aniston, and George Clooney seem archaic and amateur by comparison.

We are still in Dubai, playing night golf this evening. So the first half of the column has been pre-written and will roll out while we’re on the course, and by the time you hit lunch time, I’ll be done and will pick up it up again for Smutty Tingles and more. This time zone is the best.

Yours in gossip,