Dear Gossips,

I couldn’t sleep last night. Luckily for me, Rocky IV was on. How long has it been since you watched Rocky IV? Do this as soon as you can. Nothing is as comforting at midnight than an 80s era Sylvester Stallone action/drama. You know exactly what it is. You know it won’t become a weird trippy art-house mindbender halfway through. It makes no demands of you. And you can keep the volume low so as to not disturb your husband and still understand every single word. Most of it is grunting anyway. Besides, the montages go on FOREVER. There’s Rocky training in the Siberian wilderness, lifting boulders and helping farmers with their primitive carts while Ivan Drago, the big bad Russian, works out among sophisticated computers in a state-of-the-art gym which, obviously, means he’s not exerting himself as much and deserved to lose. And this happens TWICE! Two montages, practically back to back! With entry level foreshadowing! Rocky chops down a winter tree and, naturally, goes on to defeat the Soviet Machine. F-ck the subtle metaphor. Sometimes it just needs to punch you in the face.

Yours in gossip,