Dear Gossips,

Last night at dinner with friends, as the Mila Kunis-Ashton Kutcher baby name was revealed, we all talked about our own baby names. Because even those of us who don’t want kids still want to name one. I jokingly wondered whether or not I could have a child, name it, and then give it away, stipulating that whoever takes it has to keep the name, because that’s the only part that interests me. Then I thought about writing this open and whether or not I want to tell you what my baby name is (there is no boy’s name; I’d only want to name a girl) and, weirdly, I don’t. And mine isn’t even real! Like I don’t want to be a mother…EVER. I just want to name a child. Wait. It doesn’t even have to be my child. It could be your child. Any child. As long as I get to take credit for the name. Because my baby name is awesome.

Which, of course, is what everyone thinks, non?

Come on. Part of it is the bragging. The smugness you feel when you see that look in the other person’s eyes when they found out your baby name and you know, you KNOW, that they wished they thought of it first.

As always, I defer to Duana, the Name Nerd, on the Kunis-Kutcher baby name. She’ll get to that right away.

Yours in gossip,


PS. My lip cyst-mole is getting dug out today. For a long time, my ma the Squawking Chicken, didn’t want me to remove it. She’s only agreed now that it’s growing unpredictably. But the reason why she was fond of it – and I became fond it as well – is because of Feng Shui Face Mapping. Moles on certain parts of the face can have meaning. I had a mole removed on the bridge of my nose, between my eyes, when I was a child because according to the Feng Shui Face Mapping, if I left it there I would have drowned at the age of 22.

Moles around the mouth though can be lucky. Ma has a mole just below to the right of her bottom lip. It’s big. Sometimes when she isn’t paying attention, a hair will come out of it. But she kept it all these years because that mole gave her “mouth luck” – she’d eat well, and eating well makes you’re making money, like if you have more than enough to eat, you probably have more than enough to spend. Moles can run out of luck though. And her mole ran out of luck when she turned 60. I wrote about her mole in my book, Listen To The Squawking Chicken, and how that mole ended up turning on her.

So…in the case of my mole… ma had me keep it for so long because of the mole’s “mouth luck”. She always use to point at it and say, no wonder you talk so much sh-t. That’s a gossip mole. Don’t worry. I have another one.