Dear Gossips,

George Clooney’s wedding ended up being more of a spectacle than Beyonce’s and Beyonce is the queen of spectacle. Things you thought you’d never say…

Things that happened in 2014:

George Clooney got married.

Brad Pitt got married.

Kanye West got married.

When we check back with all three in five years, what will be the update? God I wish I had a time machine. If I had a time machine I’d check in with them in 2019 and I’d also fast forward to two weeks from now because I’m a chicken sh-t.

There’s a mole I’ve had on my upper lip, right where the bows meet. Over the last couple of years, a cyst has grown under it. And it won’t stop growing. I’m attaching a picture. From some angles, it looks like a pimple. But a laser would just shave it down and it’d likely pop back up. So on Friday, I’m getting it cut out. Like dug up with a knife and three stitches, maybe four. Because of where it is though, like right in the middle there, I think after it heals I might end up with a lopsided mouth, a permanent smirk.

So no laser for the lip but possibly laser for the eye. Tomorrow I have a consultation for laser eye surgery. I can’t do contact lenses anymore. If they decide I’m a good candidate, they’ll be sticking a laser in my eyeball.

Am terrified.

The point?

We need a week of good gossip. Thank you George Clooney. This is a good start.

Yours in gossip,