The British side of me knows that gloating is bad form and I also know you’re tired of me harping about this but would you believe there are STILL kindergarten gossips out there who insist on believing that Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal are dating just because they were “caught on camera” at the beach? As I reported several weeks ago and again on Sunday – Natalie and Jake are NOT a couple. They were however a make believe couple, coordinated as such so she could protect her not-make-believe relationship with none other than Gael Garcia Bernal. And why the duplicity, you ask? To avoid incidents like this, that’s why. Natalie and Gael were having a romantic dinner together the other night in Buenos Aires. They were pursued by aggressive pappies, Natalie lost her cool, the pappies got their shots, and now we have photographic evidence that they are together – something they were obviously trying to avoid. Yes you crazy Portmanites: celebrities will occasionally feed fake romance stories to the press to cover up the real deal. Are you shocked??? Unfortunately for Natalie, the secrecy surrounding her love life has only increased the bounty on her newly blonde head. According to video footage from this incident, the photographers were extremely aggressive. My thanks to Carita for the information from Argentinean television networks that aired the clip showing Natalie exiting the restaurant first, being pushed and pulled inappropriately before getting into the car. Apparently incensed by the incident, she then got back out of the car to express her frustration, which is when the “attack” photos were taken. Gael came out several minutes later and got into the same car. But, as the psychotic Portman/Gyllenhaal fans (who won’t stop emailing me) would want you to believe – that means nothing, right? And she only went to Buenos Aires to browse the art exhibits, right? And they’re just good friends, right? Because she’s really with Jakey G, right? Please. If you refuse to believe me, will you at least believe Ted Casablanca? His Tuesday edition pretty much sealed the deal on what I’ve been spewing at you for the last month. Natalie and Gael. Confirmed. Slamdunk. Together. My smut seconded by Ted? Damn…I truly feel like I’ve been anointed!