Two former Oscar hosts decided to be smug together on television last night as James Franco appeared on Letterman to promote Your Highness for his first interview since sucking at the Oscars in February. And how does he sum up his disappointing performance? Well, he said he tried his best, he said Anne Hathaway was too hyper, and that we’re all hypocrites for hating on his hosting duties after saying the Oscars are irrelevant.

For the record, I care openly about the Oscars, and I’ve never said they’re irrelevant. In fact, they’re probably more important to me than they should be. And I think he was sh-tty. Does that opinion count?

As is the case with celebrities, more and more these days, it only counts when you say something nice. And if it’s not nice, it only counts if James Franco is saying it. Or shouting it.

He’s a Loud Talker, isn’t he?

I don’t actually think he’s a Loud Talker by self importance. That would imply that he actually has some control over it. It’s more embarrassing that he is a Loud Talker obliviously, that he walks around life announcing his own sh-t, as the listener cringes inside from discomfort. People always talk about the Loud Talker but no one talks enough about how the Loud Talker LISTENER feels to be loud talked at. It’s mortifying. Because when everyone turns to look at the Loud Talker, you get looked at too.

Speaking of loud talking, Franco was in DC last night at some dinner. Apparently he was to deliver some remarks which, please, what could he possibly enjoy more? For the opportunity to impart his depthless knowledge, to share his infinite wisdom, to be appreciated and acknowledged for what he knows he is: an authority on all things Art, a trailblazer before the times, the Inventor of Multidisciplinary Mediocrity…

And the current reigning King of Thickness. James Franco, ladies and gentleman, give it up for James Franco.

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