The first trailer for Fifty Shades Darker dropped today and… I was EXCITED to watch this! When you’ve been immersed in a film festival and you’ve been screening Films with a capital “F” for a few weeks, sometimes it all gets a little too… Filmy. Sometimes you just need some junk. So the timing of this trailer, whether by accident or by design, is terrific. Everyone’s talking about Oscar contenders. And here comes Fifty Shades Darker defiantly showing us why it will not ever be an Oscar contender. I don’t want it to be an Oscar contender. If it was an Oscar contender, I wouldn’t be so confused about whether this movie is competition between stalkers. There are a lot stalkers in this movie.

The first stalker is Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan. He shows up to stalk Dakota Johnson at the 45 second mark at what looks like an art gallery and she looks terrified. The second stalker, who might be a ghost stalker, comes at 1:15, a woman at the foot of the bed. Dakota is startled, once again. The third stalker follows immediately after we see the ghost stalker and this time it’s a new dude who tries to trap Dakota in an office and, yes, naturally, she is frightened. And the fourth and final stalker is … Kim Basinger? At 1:28 a panicky Dakota (the poor girl, seriously) is hurrying away from Kim and Kim puts on a mask. Is this what’s become of her character in 9 ½ Weeks? Mickey Rourke breaks her heart and 30 years later she’s a stalker? If you’ve read the book, please don’t tell me what happens with all the stalkers. I had no idea the story leans into the creepiness of Edward Cullen this hard.

Anyway, over and above all the stalkers trying to out-stalk each other, I have one hope for this movie: in the first movie, Christian Grey doesn’t come. Does he get to come in the sequel? I would like to see him come. It won’t be right if he doesn’t come when Miguel is singing.