Here I am in a sequined black dress you could easily find at French Connection, my eyes weirded up with black liner, and I’ll call it enough for punk at the MET Gala.

Sure...

If you’re Kate Moss, fine.

If you’re Chloe Sevigny, OK.

But if you’re January Jones? Who can’t make a paternity scandal interesting? Let me sit you next to Amber Heard so that you can disappear together.