I am Jennifer Aniston
So last night I hosted a lovely soiree with my book club girls. It"s been 3 years and in that time we have fired one member, gained 4 others, and started having babies. Not all of us. But a whopping 50% of us. Obviously, I"m not one of them. And so at around 9:30pm I found myself deserted by most of the childless contingent, surrounded by mothers and expectant mothers, in varying degrees of pregnancy, discussing c-sections and day care and other very important parenting-related issues... and then it hit me. A cold chill went through me. Suddenly I was sober. Because, gossips, I realised that I am actually now MORE Aniston and LESS Jolie. Although my heart remains with Angelina, the sad truth is that I have become Jennifer. I am obsessed with my hair, I am mediocre-looking at best, I am hungrily ambitious, my achievements have inexplicably exceeded my abilities, and I do not want children. Oh.My.Goddess. On top of all this, my husband has suddenly become Mr. Do It Yourself handy guy. And along with his newfound masters degree from Home Depot, he has also developed an increasingly loud yearning for his own babies. F*ck Me. Panicked and alarmed, I asked him last night if he thought that "not wanting to be like Jennifer Aniston" was a good enough reason to have children. Never mind the joys of motherhood. Nevermind finding true fulfillment in producing a living being that is at once you and the person you love the most. Never mind all that. I would consider having kids only to avoid being on Team Jen. Needless to say, he just rolled his eyes and went back to watching pervy French movies on the Independent Film Channel - his usual evening pasttime because they "show old nudie European chicks who don"t shave their bush." Anyway, on the subject of Ms. Aniston, some interesting gossip surfaced today on TMZ about Jen"s inability to cope with the media attention. Apparently the driver who chauffeured her around at Sundance last week has revealed she needed to escape so badly that she requested that he "take me where nobody is. He accommodated her by driving for 25 minutes, ending up in a church parking lot. Aniston got out of the car and immediately began chain smoking cigarettes. The driver says this happened several times during her stay." Poor Jen. Shall we throw her our weekly pity bone and hope her Vincey-baby can make all the baddy waddy people go away away away??? After all, her life is just so frickin" hard!!!