Jennifer Aniston on the cover of the new Entertainment Weekly. Comparatively speaking, it’s actually a much better interview. Mostly because she cusses. Jen’s still catering to the MiniVan Majority, naturally, especially with the rah rah, girl power wooh wooh wooh talk…but still, there’s a spark of something slightly more interesting here. Huvane should run in this direction some more.

When discussing the tabloid fixation with her womb:
It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Everyone will be like, 'Yeah, right.' It's the boy who cried wolf. Stop stealing my thunder, motherf-ckers!''

And when addressing a journalist from the New York Times who criticised her harshly in 2006, Jen bites back:
It was so venomous. 'It was like, who f-cking sh-t in her Wheaties? How do these people get the opportunity to just spew sh-t? They don't know anything. You know, career choices — you just do what you do. Not everyone's a winner. Not every episode of Friends was great. Not every guy you choose is great. Just across the board, there's so much expectation.

Oh Jen. Please.

You want us to spew sh-t. It’s the only way you’ll survive.

But… Wheaties?

Ugh.

This is her problem. She is full of clichés. Her entire personal lexicon is comprised of self help lingo. Everything that comes out of her mouth is dialogue from Oprah. Like she’s trying to hypnotise herself into believing it.

In other words, she’s f-cking chanting.

Here’s a small selection of highlights. Can you hear her spirit drum in the background?

''I don't know if I'm just a late bloomer, but I feel like everything is just beginning.''

''I'd be so bored just doing (girl meet guy movies). I always think of it as you're walking down the aisle of the supermarket and there's the Fruity Pebbles. I like to do a little Kashi as well, a little granola.''

''Someone said to me, if a tabloid happened in the woods and no one was there to read it, did it happen?''

Kashi and granola?

Seriously. One of my best friends is a doula and even SHE doesn’t speak like this.

Ew!

On the bright side? Jen does brush off talking about the Brange. Perhaps Marley & Me is giving her a chance to finally move on.

As for Marley & Me…

Will you go see?

I’ve no doubt it’s a heartwarming film. Maybe even a terrific film. Will totally rock the box office. But… if you’ve read the book, I’m sure you’ll understand. As a dog owner, can’t do it.

That part, you know that part, the worst part? It totally incapacitated me. I was depressed for days. I still cry, even now, just thinking about it.

How can you watch that unfold onscreen?

No. It’s too much. Can’t. My Marcus is 5 years old. He will live forever.

See? I’m f-cking crying now.

Click here for Jennifer Aniston’s entire EW interview.