You gotta give them something…

But it’s perfect, isn’t it? The two hardest hustlers this award season, you could say the two most Try nominees on the circuit, were paired together for the first award of the night. As a programming strategy, it's understandable. Opening the show with Jennifer Aniston hooks the MiniVan Majority. Benedict Cumberbatch draws his legion of crazies. It was hours before their categories were announced so they were still in a great mood. I’ve attached a shot that the Globes posted of them on Instagram

Let’s start with fashion, Jen in particular. She wore her in an “I’m a serious actress” updo to better show off the horrid neckline. And the rest of it didn’t get much better. Why waste all that effort campaigning, busting your ass for a nomination, just to show up like you’d rather not be looked at? Especially in comparison to the frontrunner, Julianne Moore, who literally sparkled, because she wanted to be seen. The Academy certainly noticed. And if I’m the Academy, I’m like…

Does Jennifer Aniston want to be noticed?

If she did want to be noticed, couldn’t she have come up with something new? You remember what Jen wore to the Globes in 2003? Also with her hair up? Here’s the side-by-side:

Right? Where is the fresh?

And for you conspiracy theorists out there, she was wearing Saint Laurent – a favourite of Angelina Jolie – with a major slit, aka as Jolie-legging. How many coincidences does it take to add up to a conspiracy?

As for Benedict Cumberbatch – you saw his face when Eddie Redmayne was called, right? There’s Cumberbatch throwing everything into this race – an engagement, a baby, an interview every five minutes – only to watch someone else take it. To me he looked… unprepared…? I certainly was. I was expecting him to dedicate it to his unborn child. After all, he has the might of Harvey Weinstein behind him.

So…now what?

Michael Keaton has a healthy lead and instead of chasing, Cumberbatch is fighting off the intrepid Eddie Redmayne. Do you leak the sonogram photo? Do you release a Dr Strange promo? Do you team up for a duet with Jennifer Aniston on Jimmy Kimmel? Do you get married while bungee jumping? What’s the move, CumHards? What’s the move?