It’s tabloid Wednesday. And this week, Us Weekly is using Jennifer Aniston + babies to take on a beaming Sandra Bullock on the cover of PEOPLE. Not-so-single-anymore lady wants children vs single lady happiness... it’s kind of hilarious.

Sandra Bullock’s husband humiliated her just as she was adopting her son. She did not shout at the ocean or tell Vanity Fair about her pity parties, nor did she engineer a series of pap shots and romances in order to keep herself in a constant state of victim-ness. If she is happy now, it’s not dependent on anyone else.

Jennifer Aniston’s husband left her for one of the world’s great beauties. She cried a lot and told us about it. There was a lot of yoga that happened. And walks on the beach with her arms wrapped around herself. And her boyfriends or rumoured boyfriends would appear on red carpets with her when she had a movie to sell. And we never believed she could be happy unless she finally found a man to love her.

Justin Theroux supposedly loves her. They’ve been inseparable since ... when did the press tour first begin for Horrible Bosses? For the last week or so, Jen and Justin have been in Hawaii. Apparently Jen hasn’t felt this way about anyone since Brad. And Justin has been told to feel the same. So now they’re trying for a baby. She’s detoxifying and getting her sh-t ready for conception. They’re calling it “detoxifying”. I guess that’s code for picking up the phone and getting a doctor to give you twins.

This of course is what the MiniVan Majority has been waiting for for years. That Jennifer Aniston finally fulfills her destiny as a woman, the destiny of EVERY woman, and becomes a mother. Because she has finally found a man who can make her dreams come true which, of course, are the kinds of dreams we raise our girls to have.

Us Weekly for the win? After all, a happy, single Sandy with her baby who doesn’t have blue eyes... how interesting can that be?