You can never go wrong with a Jennifer Lopez magazine spread. Not even if they’re sh-tty pictures. Even when they’re sh-tty the camera loves her. And she knows how to do something with it.

“Jennifer Lopez is standing on the terrace of the Ciragan Palace hotel in Istanbul, shooting the cover of Bazaar. It's an incredibly grand palace, and she's in an incredibly grand Versace. But she's goofing around, doing the robot and various girl-on-the-go catalog poses. "We're losing the moment!" laments the photographer. But then, boom: Lopez shakes her shoulders and fixes her with a sexy laser stare. J. Lo™ has arrived. "Oh, honey," she says soothingly, "I've been doing this for 20 years."

This is the opening paragraph of her new cover feature for Harper’s Bazaar. Every word of it is true. I know this because I’ve seen that go down. Several of us were witness to what happens when JLO’s getting her picture taken. It was TIFF. We were in the etalk lounge waiting for her. She came in all casual and relaxed and laughing and then the photographer from HELLO! Canada showed her the recent issue of Penelope Cruz on the cover and asked her if she’d pose for him and just like that, one second later, somehow she found the spot in the room that was lit best, draped herself over a stool, and f-cked the sh-t out of that camera. It was something to watch and, one day, if I’m ever calling the shots in a control room during a red carpet with her on it, I will tell them to stay on her for at least 3 or 4 minutes so that you can see that for yourself.

Anyway, the rest of the article is all about how busy JLO is on tour and how she and her entourage manage and what a big ass deal she must be having so many jobs but, you know, of course she’s still Jenny From The Block, the same girl she’s always been, and to prove it -- HILARIOUSLY -- she offers this:

"I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good, and doing it well. I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids' hair, pick up their clothes—that makes our life beautiful, you know? There's something very elegant in that."

If someone said that to you out loud, if they told you, no joke, that they keep their lives “simple and beautiful” by DRESSING THEMSELVES, could you keep a straight face?

God I love these assholes.

Jennifer Lopez really is one of the best.

Which is why it’s been such a profound disappointment, her persisting with the embarrassing slum love. And he was there, of course. The Bear. Her Casper Bear was there, during the interview, listening to her compliment him. When asked about their relationship, Casper Bear was holding JLO’s son Max in his lap. And here’s what she said:

"He's fantastic; he's like my best friend. I can tell him everything, when I'm feeling down, when I'm feeling good. He gives moral support, endless love and support."

It’s gross on its own, those words. It’s even grosser when you know he was there when she was saying them. And it’s MOST gross when you consider how she’s incorporated his “bear”-ness into her vocabulary. Again, when describing her work ethic and limitless energy, JLO explains that:

"I think I can just handle more than the average bear, you know?"

Punch me. Punch me RIGHT NOW. Come over to my place, wait for me to open the door, and then put me out of my misery because I’d rather feel your elbow smashing my nose than have to read any more of this sh-t, her referring to herself in the third bear.

WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?????????????????????????????????????

Click here to read the full JLO piece in Harper’s Bazaar and to see more photos.