It’s just one of many reasons why I’ve boarded up my womb and am guarding it with a pit bull… labour seems downright f&cking medieval. The pain I mean. 

So the Jessica and her husband had their baby girl this weekend at Cedars-Sinai. Given that it happened on a weekend, gossips are sniping that it had to have been a c-section. After all, who the hell pushes these days anyway? 

But can you imagine this demon in labour? She’s pissy enough without having to squeeze it out of a small space, I’d pity the fools who’d have to endure her through a natural birth. So if it was a c-section, it probably came highly recommended and preferred by, like, everyone. 

Would you rather: 

Be friends with Emmy Rossum or be in the delivery room while Jessica Alba was pushing out her baby? 

Me I’d choose the abuse. I’d rather be abused by Jessica Alba, ripped a new asshole, and throttled between contractions than suffer the Rossum. After all, I was raised by my mother. She is an amateur.