The MiniVan Majority loves babies! The world loves babies! And thanks to the new power of the Yummy Mummy movement, getting pregnant has become the go-to career move in Hollywood, yielding the easiest paycheque ever.

Pose with your newborn! Earn a million dollars!

Or $3 million if you’re Matthew McConaughey. After all, what’s hotter for a suburban housewife than to see her favourite hunk holding his little baby girl? And why not profit from some woman’s need to look at your child while she’s taking a sh*t? Who cares if it’s creepy? It’s still money, right? 

Of course. And people like Jessica Alba need money. Because she clearly can’t sell a movie. And the industry is starting to figure that out. And of course she thinks she’s too good to go back to tv. Which is why she’s apparently signed for $1.5 million to pose with Honor for OK! Magazine.

What are the chances the Jessica will actually MATCH that $1.5 million with $1.5 million of her own for a sizeable donation to a charity of her choice? Please.

You know what the best is though? The BEST is that she wasn’t worth a one-off. The likes of Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez can make off with a one time deal. She has to beg for it with added features – photos now and photos 6 months from now, either at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Oh the shame! 

Like bargaining with an aggressive market lady at the Chinese village, you know? You stop for half a second to look at a headband. She says – Cheap! Cheap! Only figh dollah!

You shake your head and start walking away. She runs around from behind the stall – way way! Ok, ok, only four dollah!

Keep walking.

And then she makes it sweet: 

Ok, ok! Three dollah for two!

And that’s when you seal it. Two headbands for three dollars… 

This is Jessica Alba. 

Jessica Alba is the lady at the Chinese market who has to sell 2 headbands for 3 dollars. Suck it!