Couldn’t be bothered to pay close enough attention while reading to the article to find out whether or not she has a background in dance. It doesn’t matter anyway. Because never before has there been such an inelegant herm on a dance floor.

Check out Shelf Ass Jessica Biel in Harper’s Bazaar – some kind of photo shoot showcasing her dance moves with several designers. The result is pure sh*t, as you can see. Not artistic, not graceful, nothing but awkward. In a few of the images it looks like she can barely point her toe.

As for the interview, when asked about marriage, Shelfy says she’s never craved it:

“Those things can change. You know, the actual idea of signing those papers and doing all this stuff about it, I’ve never been someone who’s like, ‘I have to, have to, have to have it.’ But the idea of being with somebody I care about, who’s my soul mate, that sounds groovy.”

Groovy. Like Shelfy talks all cool now.

But the best is when she talks about the paps – their intrusion into her life:

“It’s terribly scary to be followed by men in cars with cameras,” Jessica says, shocked by the paparazzi’s guerrilla tactics. “It’s terrifying, you know? They’re breaking traffic laws and putting you and other people in danger. I try to follow the speed limit and be Zen about it. It’s not like I’m doing anything exciting — going to the dry cleaners or to Whole Foods to shop for groceries.”

Bitch…sit the f&ck DOWN!

How terribly scary can it be when it’s your publicist tipping off the agencies about trips to the dry cleaners and Whole Foods?

Please Mary Camden!

To read the full article, click here.