Shelfy did not wear her engagement ring at any of the Globe events this weekend. Instead, she decided on a prairie wedding gown with a third saggy tit, right above the waist, I dunno, just to make sure you know JT wants to marry her.

In this?

She’s not enough for this, you know what I mean?

Like, the woman who wears this dress has to be really, really special. Special like... Charlize, Gisele, special like Eva Green. Jessica Biel, as much as she wants to elevate herself onto another level of sartorial superiority doesn’t quite meet the requirement.

Which is not to say she isn’t a beautiful girl. Oh my God, she is gorgeous. And her hair and makeup were great. But there’s more to it than that. There’s an intangible advantage to those who can wear something that’s supposed to be exquisite. This...is not her area.

But HOW did Jessica Biel get the honour of presenting Best Picture Comedy/Musical with Mark Wahlberg? There’s an imaginary weight list floating around that determines and ranks celebrity importance. And somewhere, someone decided Jessica Biel was qualified for this particular category.  Yes, I will get to the nominee negotiations. It has EVERYTHING to do with this. And it’s also why the HFPA is not the Academy. No one gets to bargain with the Academy.