GG Third Saggy Breast: Jessica Biel

Lainey Posted by Lainey at January 16, 2012 21:04:22 January 16, 2012 21:04:22

Shelfy did not wear her engagement ring at any of the Globe events this weekend. Instead, she decided on a prairie wedding gown with a third saggy tit, right above the waist, I dunno, just to make sure you know JT wants to marry her.

In this?

SheΓÇÖs not enough for this, you know what I mean?

Like, the woman who wears this dress has to be really, really special. Special like... Charlize, Gisele, special like Eva Green. Jessica Biel, as much as she wants to elevate herself onto another level of sartorial superiority doesnΓÇÖt quite meet the requirement.

Which is not to say she isnΓÇÖt a beautiful girl. Oh my God, she is gorgeous. And her hair and makeup were great. But thereΓÇÖs more to it than that. ThereΓÇÖs an intangible advantage to those who can wear something thatΓÇÖs supposed to be exquisite. This...is not her area.

But HOW did Jessica Biel get the honour of presenting Best Picture Comedy/Musical with Mark Wahlberg? ThereΓÇÖs an imaginary weight list floating around that determines and ranks celebrity importance. And somewhere, someone decided Jessica Biel was qualified for this particular category.  Yes, I will get to the nominee negotiations. It has EVERYTHING to do with this. And itΓÇÖs also why the HFPA is not the Academy. No one gets to bargain with the Academy.

Photos:
Frazer Harrison/FREDERIC J. BROWN/Getty

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