Was Julianne Hough’s dress worse? Maybe. But Julianne Hough is not a Best Actress contender. The more important the player, the more egregious the fashion crime. That’s the trade-off for being in first place. Or in a tie for first place.

Right now it’s Chastain vs Lawrence on February 24 (although I still think there’s a slim possibility they could split the vote and lose out to Naomi Watts; we’ll see how it plays out in the next few weeks). Last night, with the categories divided into drama and musical/comedy, there was no way Chastain was going to lose on stage. On the red carpet however...

Let’s start with the colour. Sea foam is what they’re calling it. Enchantment Under The Sea Foam is what I call it. It’s the streamers in a high school gymnasium at a dance. It’s the eye shadow of your grade 9 English teacher who refuses to give up 1977. It works as an accent, maybe, but fails miserably in a sheet of material without structure.

Jessica Chastain has a wonderful figure. They gave her dress that takes away her waist. And, because it’s cut straight across the back, it makes her look wide when she’s not wide, not even close, at all. Turn her around and her breasts start in the middle and end by her elbows. HOWWWWWWW did this pass through approvals?

And WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY is her hair so f-cked?

I am angry because they’ve done wrong by her. I am angry because you have to try really hard to screw Jessica Chastain up this badly. Like, you have to go out of your way, you have to invent a new road, you know?, if you want to make Jessica Chastain look this sh-tty. She’s amazing. So to take it so far in the opposite direction, man, this must have been an effort; they put in a lot of effort to have this happen. At this point I’m wondering if it isn’t a conspiracy. Harvey???