In my shallow, materialistic mind, most women fall under 2 style categories: 1. Women who dress for women 2. Women who dress for men And please save it with the “I dress for myself” song and dance. You’re reading a gossip column – you really want me to feign profundity here??? So anyway, I belong in Group #1. I care more about what a girl or a gay thinks of what I’m wearing than a straight man who, let’s be honest, isn’t going to look below my tits. Unless of course he’s looking at my ass. Everything in between, however, is wasted. No appreciation for the fit of the right jacket, no understanding of the length or the cut of this season’s trouser, and you can forget about truly giving a pair of shoes the love and admiration they deserve. Case in point: on those rare occasions when I come out of the bedroom and my husband says, “oh hey, you look good”, I will promptly go back to the drawing board and change things up. To me, a straight man’s blessing is like the kiss of death because A. I probably look like a slut or B. I probably look like a really big slut. Women who dress for women understand that there is no greater honour than to be grudgingly praised by another woman. Women who dress for women dress for superiority through style. Women who dress for men dress for superiority through sex. And not necessarily the having of the sex, but the ego boost that comes with knowing that sex is the only thing wanted of you. And that, my fellow gossips, is Jessica Simpson. Jessica clearly belongs in Group #2. Which is why I’ve now decided that it’s pointless to bag on her for fashion because really…does it matter what she’s wearing? Hell no! Why would it when her primary style motivations consist of product placement for her breasts and strategic positioning of her ass? Group 1 vs. Group 2 - It’s like apples and oranges, mangos and melons – a completely different standard of operation for a completely different objective. The One’s want to be fabulous. The Two’s just want to be f&cked. So next time you see Jessie wearing the assiest outfit you have ever seen – don’t even bother, y’all. Unless your peepee moves for poon, Group 2 girls really aren’t looking for your approval.