Jessica’s Downward Spiral

Lainey Posted by Lainey at September 7, 2006 12:00:00 September 7, 2006 12:00:00
I’d say it’s time for an emergency Simpson Summit, wouldn’t you? I mean at this point, even I’m feeling a little sorry for the poor little twat. And if the bleeding doesn’t stop, I fear we might have another Hollywood breakdown on our hands. Let’s consider her recent string of humiliations, in no particular order, shall we? - Nick finds a girlfriend. A HOT girlfriend. Nick and his new girlfriend get lots of attention. Nick plays a perfect PR game and decides not to prolong the financial divorce wrangling and takes a much smaller slice than what he would have been legally entitled too, thereby endearing the beefy meathead to people like me, not only because he chose to avoid glutton avenue but also because he so brilliantly played his post-split card. - Nick’s record sells well. Jessica’s sucks ass - Her hair extensions suck ass - Her vocal chords suck ass - Her first attempt at official dating after marriage sucks ass - John Mayer thinks she sucks ass and dumps her sucky ass just one week after their budding romance went public. And on top of all that, she actually looked CHUBB at the VMAs! Needless to say, life sucks ass for Jessie these days, non? I mean, when a pervy pig like John Mayer won’t even stick around, the kind of guy where literally, almost anything goes (click here for his dating criteria – a list of accomplishments even a moron like Jessica could surely master) if she couldn’t make it work with that twisted little creep, can you imagine how toxic she must really be? Sad thing is, I think it’s finally dawning her: that her value has depreciated tenfold since the split, that it’s no longer good enough to trade on tits and the fellating mastery imparted by Johnny Knoxville. Which is perhaps why she appeared to break down after a performance on morning tv the other day, with only her main gay as consolation – a terrific ally in the worst of times to be sure, but clearly not a ‘mo who has her best interests at heart. Otherwise, why the f&ck would he keep sendin’ her out looking like sh*t? Dear Jessica, Time for a new team, honey. Starting with the father. In fact, get rid of ALL the men in your life and give Stephen Huvane call. That man has done wonders with mediocrity in the name of Aniston…can you imagine what he’d do with you??? And finally…because it’s always important to admit when you’re wrong… I was wrong about her owning the Song of the Summer. Although A Public Affair is still my favourite of the lot, I must concede that it just didn’t happen, she just couldn’t sell it, and when you lose the ability to pimp in Hollywood, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. UPDATE: fresh rumour from my sources that Jessica is quite distraught and... binge eating. Like Britney but instead of Cheetos it"s chicken wings and tacos. Alternates between periods of feeling sorry for herself and doing the "I am woman, hear me roar, rah rah rah" thing. Will keep you posted...

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