Now we’re in a f-ckin’ hurry.

A week ago no one knew about my Porny Simpson and her new boyfriend Eric Johnson. Then TMZ broke it on Monday. By Wednesday Us Weekly had them on the cover. And photos of them in Florida suddenly emerged as he took her to a family gathering. Today the paps found them on holiday in Italy. Jesus, TRY to be more subtle about it, would you?

Please. Jessica Simpson does not know subtle, as you can see from her dress. That look to you like a dress that doesn’t want to be photographed?

But Porns has never been able to not publicise her happiness. Some people, when they find it, they want to keep it to themselves for a while, just between them. Others, like Porns, they’ll broadcast from the mountain, chest out.

Having said all that, I am happy she’s happy. And this time, she just might have a chance. Because, well, Eric is not QB1 or a Grammy winning narcissist with a penis extension in the form of a guitar. Eric is.... pretty ordinary. Maybe even a little un-cool. He looks dorky too. Ordinary, un-cool, and dorky are not bad attributes. They’re great attributes. Because my Porns, she doesn’t need to be with That Guy. She’s been with That Guy. And we’ve all seen how she can’t keep up with That Guy. That Guy is overrated.

I’m going to be optimistic this time. For my friend Jessica.

Photos from grifoni sarmiento/