No doubt you"ve seen last week"s Us Weekly. Loud headlines screaming details of a catfight between Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, who she first ratted out last year after seeing her snort lines at an LA club. This time, it was allegedly over Brett Ratner and according to Janice Min"s people, LiLo lost her sh*t when Brett - her new boyfriend - started spending more time hanging at Jessie"s table than at her own. A few hours after the Us report broke however, Perez Hilton turned the whole story into a non-story when he was able to get down to the bottom of the overblown affair by revealing that the catfight was really between Simpson"s homogay Ken Paves and an equally fingersnappy flameboy on Team Lohan. Gee. Now there"s a slow newsday. In a word: Yawn. Interestingly enough though, I"m hearing the writers at SNL wanted to somehow work the catfight story into Lindsay"s appearance this week but she surprisingly kiboshed the idea immediately as part of her new "classy attitude". Apparently, now that she has Meryl"s blessing, she"s determined to clean up her image, to gradually distance herself from the Richies and the Hiltons and move closer to the likes of Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley who, perhaps not coincidentally, keep beating her out on some key prestige roles. Word from a relatively new source was that in keeping with the spirit of the ever entertaining "feuding celebrity dance-off" a la Britney vs. Justin back in the day - the SNL idea was for Lindsay to engage in some sort of duel with her bimbo nemesis, with the perverted Papa Joe eventually coming in to settle the score. According to my spy, Lindsay took the high road, unwilling to engage in any more "silly rivalry" which is why they ended up with a relatively innocuous episode. Now I don"t know about you but I love my Lohan bitchy and raging. Watching her put on nice face and spread the love completely sucks the joy out of my life. Especially since I was really counting on her to slap the slut out of Jennifer Love Hewitt one day. Hopefully this dream is still possible. In the meantime, I"m going to try not to fixate on her alarmingly large forehead leaving Pastis on Easter Sunday after lunch with friends. Speaking of friends - I"m thinking she might need a new set. I for one would never let any of my girls go out over and over again with dirty foundation face and a Ricci-inspired hairline. I mean, why get close to Kate Moss if you"re not going to learn anything more than how to cut a line?