My Porny Jessica Simpson just celebrated her first Christmas with golddigger Eric Johnson. According to her Twitter, they were at her parents’, and she called him the “perfect” addition. Because, even though she runs an almost billion dollar business, she’ll always be the second class citizen in a relationship.

Here they are in Aspen, shopping yesterday at Fendi.

Who’s paying?


Who else?

Other than following her around the world holding her hand, we’re still not sure what, exactly, if anything, Eric actually does. This would not go over with my father, I’m just saying.

And while there are few downsides to Eric’s position, I suppose one of them would be that he can’t say no to being told to wear this coat. When you add that to the way he wears his pants, with too much thigh thickness and dumps in his ass, I honestly, honestly can’t understand why she couldn’t have aimed a little, just a little, higher. Happy New Year, you idiot. You’ll be paying for this one for a long, LONG time.

Photos from