Jessica Simpson was in New York last night for the Good Housekeeping “Shine On” event with her main gay and her mother, two enablers sending her out unprepared and defenceless onto a red carpet. Again. Look at her. She’s an x-rated disaster. Here is not a girl who is as secure as she claims to be. Here is a girl who is desperately trying. To pose. To arm pose. And failing.

There’s this trick they do. On television too. And for pictures. Because when your arm naturally falls at your side and leans up against your body, the flesh will expand where your parts meet. So they teach you always to keep your upper arm free, flexing and cocking it so it’s slightly angled away from the torso thereby creating a thinner looking arm. Models are experts at working this move without looking like they’re hurting themselves. Skinny bitches like Victoria Beckham and Renee Zellweger do it less successfully.

And then there’s Porny Simpson.

It’s the worst execution of the Arm Pose I’ve seen in a very long time. The problem is that she can’t relax her shoulders. So they’re hitched up to her ears. And as such, because everything is moving up, those crazy ass tits are officially right underneath her chin. Of course it doesn’t help that they’ve also dressed her in a psychedelic piece of sh-t.

Just...

I mean...

They’re hurting her, you know? They might love her but they’re not helping her. She needs a proper f-cking friend. Because as you know, as you’ve seen time and again, these ones she has, these one suck hard. And please, please don’t hate on my Porny because you think she should be able to take care of herself....

That’s cruel, even by my standards. Because she can’t.

As I’ve noted before, some people are born tall, some are born short, some are born with a gift for languages, an ear for music, athletically inclined, green eyes, brown eyes, blue eyes... it’s a genetic predetermination.

Think of it this way, and I mean this with a lot of love: Jessica Simpson was simply not... born smart. Almost intellectually incapable. And that’s totally ok. We can’t all be Tina Fey. So it just means that Jessica she needs to be protected and cared for, guided and directed. But it’s not enough to mean well. These people around her, they mean well but they don’t do well. They don’t f-cking KNOW.



Photos from Wenn.com and Jennifer Mitchell/Splashnewsonline.com and Flynetonline.com