Jessica Simpson tweeted last week that she was shocking her body with some kind of vegan diet. Then she showed up this weekend in West Virginia at the opening of the Casino Club at the Greenbrier Resort and I don’t see much change. Maybe it’s on the inside. Because on the outside she still makes me uncomfortable. Like literally uncomfortable. Doesn’t this seem uncomfortable? To be stuffed into a dress with no room to be breathe because your breasts are monopolising the world?

Study the mass of these breasts. Because goddamn it’s crazy. They don’t stop. They don’t start. There’s no end, no beginning, it’s just a limitless breast landscape that encroaches on everything around it. Her breasts have eaten her neck. They are threatening here to eat Jennifer Garner and after that Brooke Shields.

But still Porny is some kind of beauty authority. And she’ll be back on VH1 with a “retooled” version of her Price of Beauty next season. Nobody watched but still they keep on it. Apparently they’re tweaking it, perhaps putting Jessica is situations where she’s able to help others closer to home on their inner and outer beauty needs.... what?

Yes. I’m saying. It’s horrific. But she believes it’s her destiny:

"I'm not saying I'm changing the world. But...to be able to sit with my dad and [create] Price of Beauty... It's similar to missionary work. It was what I was called to do and called to be."

Missionary work. Creating more pornies?

As for her love life, TMZ reports that she’s dating former football player Eric Johnson. Johnson just filed for divorce in February, he and Jessica have been together since May. So my girl is the girlfriend right after. Never the girl you want to be. It’s the who’ll get f-cked and left. Why is this always Porny?


Photos from Bryan Bedder/Gettyimages.com