Shut your cockmouth and wear a bra

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 3, 2009 09:48:02 August 3, 2009 09:48:02

An extraordinary amount of patience is required to be friends with Jessica Simpson. I am not a patient person. But I am a good friend. And she needs me, so I’m working on it.

Porny is frustrating though because progress is always mixed with f-ckery. Before celebrating improvement, you must wait for the other shoe to drop. Is that the correct use of the expression?

The other shoe, unfortunately, almost always means Jessica opens her wide ass cockmouth and either sucks on something nasty and douchey or says something nasty and douchey while a camera is rolling.

F-cking dumbass.

Last week Jess made headlines when asked by the paps whether or not it was true that she gave Tony Romo a $100K boat only to ask for it back when he dumped her. Instead of remaining silent or saying something witty and charming, she replied that she’s no “Indian giver”. The clip is here.


Needless to say, she was criticised for it.

Saturday night she went out for dinner with her sister and her ‘mo. Clearly not chastened by the previous incident, Jessica once again spoke through her cockmouth and declared that she’s an Indian. Click here to see.

Joe Simpson sure raised an ignorant bimbo. A bimbo who cannot resist a long stick. Dick, lolly, mic, if it’s shaped like a penis, her cockmouth cannot help itself.

This is why she needs Friend Bootcamp. We have so much work to do.

And bra lessons too.

You know she has enormous tits. We’ve all been invited – thanks to her father – to look at her enormous tits. And she knows there are photogs outside Katsuya all the time. She escaped this time without a slip incident…but it was close. Very, very close.

Photos from and and

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