Porny presented her jeans at Macy’s last night in one of the best dresses she’s worn in a long, long, LONG time. It fit properly. It flattered her appropriately. And for once, she did not look porny. In fact, she looked very nice. And at times her neck even seemed longer. That’s the sign of successful styling.

Then she was likely left to her own devices and it all unravelled.

After the event, Jessica took her boyfriend out for his birthday. How long before she buys him a Ferrari? She could only afford a rental when she was married to Nick Lachey but now she can pay for one straight up. And she’ll do it too. She will do it because she’s a dumbass about love. Porny loves like it’s always her last chance. Like she’s pushing 50 with grown kids and a younger boyfriend.

Anyway, as you can see, Porny chose another outfit for dinner. Perhaps something easier to breathe in. Fine. But it doesn’t look like there’s enough support around those gargantuan breasts. They’re flopping all lopsided. And it might be a little too short for her body and that cut. There’s not enough leg to balance out the top half, see?

She exhausts me and I’m not really even her friend yet.

Photos from L.Gallo/ and Jackson Lee/