If you’re one of those broads who can’t handle the Ick, you might not want to keep reading. There is no time for daintiness in this article.

Anyone who knows me, or who’s just met me for that matter, will tell you that I love to talk about poo. Obsessively. During the Olympics when our systems were all f-cked up because we started work at 1am and bombed straight through, Amy and I would dedicate at least 15 minutes to deep poo discussion. Dylan, who travels with me several times a year, knows very well my poo complaints. My best friend Fiona is regularly subject to my poo updates. I’ve struggled with poo my entire life. It’s never come easy for me. And therefore it’s been a mission to find ways, tricks, ingredients to facilitate the situation.

Stop making that face. It’s a proper biological function. And some people need help with it. If you’re willing to pass on eyeliner tips, why not apply the same philosophy to pooing?

That said, while I may be inclined to converse about poo freely and frequently, it’s not like I’m actually leaving it behind at your house every time I come over. My colleagues don’t lean over and whisper “There goes pooing Lainey” whenever I walk by. At least I don’t think they do. I mean, it’s not like I’m not invited anywhere because I’m a poo blob, as opposed to my Porny Simpson who is officially a farting puking one.

First she farted during a business meeting now she’s puking when she’s supposed to be lifting up soldier spirits. According to Us Weekly Jessica visited troops in the Persian Gulf last week. She guzzled some Red Bull, did not properly hydrate, bitched about the heat, sang one song, and then threw up.

It happens, yes. To anyone it could happen, totally. But this sh-t, it happens to her all the time. Or at least it gets reported to happen to her all the time. And not in a cool way either. Cameron Diaz is famous for being the most flatulent, burpy, crude person on any set. And they love her for it. Maybe it’s an ownership factor, maybe it’s because it seems like if she wanted to, she could contain it, whereas Porny just seems like some kind of uncontrollable farting puking living squeeze toy bouncing around from room to room leaving unwelcome surprises behind.

Not exactly the ideal reputation. Which is why when someone says Jessica Simpson, those pictures of her at the Chili Cook-off (of all places!!!) still come to mind.

File photo from Ralph Notaro/Splashnewsonline.com