I just want you to imagine the Oscars last night - that long ass show and NPH’s lame ass jokes, and f-cking Adam Levine’s cruelly intolerable voice, and everything that took forever but went nowhere – without John Travolta.

Imagine the Oscars without that collar chain around his neck.

Imagine the Oscars without him wrapping his tentacles around Scarlett Johansson.

Imagine the Oscars without him throwing the thumbs up – aye aye Captain Pilot Flying Man!

Imagine the Oscars without him posing with his hand on his hip – one of the only male celebrities who regularly poses with his hand on his hip.

Imagine the Oscars without hair wig, made thicker by hair paint.

Imagine the Oscars without those two beautiful minutes on stage with Idina Menzel, petting her, testing her with his fingertips, as if he wanted to see if he could get a reaction down there, even though it doesn’t work like that with him, then treating her like his sleepy-time stuffed toy, with the creepy sleepy time tuck-in smile…

You would have laughed a lot less.

Everyone would have laughed a lot less.

24 hours ago you would have never believed it if I told you that John Travolta was more entertaining at the Oscars than Neil Patrick Harris. But this is where we live. In a world where I think I might want JT hosting next year.

Oh and PS…

You’ve probably only seen the shots of JT skeeving on Scarjo on the carpet. But have you seen these ones of the two of them warmly embracing each other backstage?