You know PEOPLE Magazine. They don’t go with a story like this, and about such a major celebrity, and on the cover no less, without being actively encouraged, without being guaranteed that there will be no subsequent repercussion. As you know, PEOPLE is not Star. To their credit, incredulously, Star Magazine, and Radar, its online stepsister, had this story first - that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis were over - only they embellished it with so much bullsh-t, it was harder than usual to take them seriously, especially given their track record: one hit in a hundred, if that.

Still...

For PEOPLE to go so boldly with Johnny’s personal life blazing on its first page, you know it’s not only true, it’s also, like, not even that new. PEOPLE only comes into a situation like this when all the sh-t has been settled and the star is ready to move ahead with a new plan.

Apparently J & V are “all but officially finished”. And there is no way that Johnny’s publicist Robin Baum would not have received a phone call about the new issue, and her client’s prominent position in it, well in advance. Maybe she even contributed to it. Baum, who also represents James Franco, Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, and more does not have the cutthroat, unreasonable bitch reputation many other Hollywood publicists have. She’s also a veteran in the business, often proactively heading off trouble, which is what this smells of right now...

What’s the lesser evil? A couple who’ve been together for 13 years growing apart, or something much more sinister? Sometimes it’s a trade-off. Let me give you this, if you bury the other. And you’ll get the lead on another story later too, but right now you have to help me make this go away.

Like the fact that Vanessa wanted out? The MiniVan will never believe that of course. No one ever believes that the less famous one would want to leave the more famous one, especially since SHE HAS A GAP IN HER TEETH! As if that would be a reason for a woman like Vanessa Paradis to stay. (This is why I oppose a comments section. Because comments like that, and so much of it is like that, have no value at all except to invite more foolishness. For example: she’s not pretty enough for him.)

As for what comes next, besides the money issue, and, married or not, she’ll get a LOT of it (which means, greedy as he is, there will also be more Jack Sparrow, so he can make up her share), there’s the issue of Johnny’s availability. Johnny is as much of a romantic as Jennifer Lopez. He’s just more undercover about it. Johnny will fall in love again. With who?

My Gossip Genie #1 pick would be Winona Ryder. Because, obviously.

Maybe this was how it was meant to be - to quote Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars, because I am obsessed with him - “spanning years and continents; lives ruined, bloodshed”. Like that tattoo he can’t remove...

Wino Forever.

Possible?

Doubtful.

The new one will be young. With a face from the Moss/Paradis mold - angles, cheekbones, haunting. And did I mention young?