Amber Heard received the Rising Star honour at the Texas Film Awards last night in Austin and Johnny Depp was with her which is fitting because, well, again, have you seen an Amber Heard movie? Amber Heard is Johnny Depp’s fiancée. He “rose” her. And if he wasn’t “rising” her, I’m not sure he’d be at this event. But it’s like he’s determined to increase her celebrity value so that it’s at least halfway or slightly more between Kellan Lutz’s low and his high. So that when we list off his loves – Winona, Kate, Vanessa – Amber won’t be the glaring incongruity.

And that makes me even more embarrassed for him than I already am. It’s a version of trophy-holding, non?