It is with heavy hearts that we announce that after a long battle, Johnny Depp’s career has succumbed to a case of mid-life crisis that proved terminal. Depp’s career fought mid-life crisis for several years, but suffered a decline beginning in 2011 from which it never recovered, undergoing bouts of bad movies, questionable life choices and terrible pants. Johnny Depp’s career fell into a coma on April 18, 2014, and succumbed this week after audience indifference spread to its likeability factor. Johnny Depp’s career will be buried on February 6, 2015, with Mortdecai presented for the interment.
There are those who will say that a February burial isn’t that bad, that George Clooney’s hubris, Monuments Men, actually had a perfectly lovely February funeral, but in reality a February burial is never a good thing. February is where the embarrassments are sent; it’s got the soft ground that makes burying turds easy. And thanks to a traditionally lighter schedule of services, it’s easier to pass off that turd as something else, since there’s nothing to compare it to except other turds. “But mine’s the biggest,” they say, as if being the biggest turd is some kind of accomplishment.
Johnny Depp’s career will be remembered fondly by those who knew it before the onset of mid-life crisis robbed it of all its interest and vigor. It is survived by Into the Woods, The Pirates of the Caribbean and Gwyneth Paltrow. Johnny Depp’s career was thirty years old.
Attached -- Depp and fiancee in New York last night at the opening of Cabaret.