Here we go. And we were waiting for it, weren’t we?

This is the cover of the new issue of Us Weekly. Us Weekly is published by Jann Wenner, a good friend of Johnny Depp. Last week I wondered about Us Weekly’s coverage of the situation while every other celebrity magazine has pretty much called him out for his mid-life crisis. This is what I wrote on June 22

“PEOPLE has taken the lead on this story, jumping out in January as the first to report on the cover no less that Johnny and Vanessa were done. Next week everyone will be getting in on the action. But what about Us Weekly? Depp and Us Weekly owner Jann Wenner are close. If you’re in publishing though, how do you ignore a potential scandal involving one of Hollywood’s biggest stars? After all, you’re also losing money in the process. Keep an eye on that situation.”

The situation, according to Us Weekly, features a poor, poor Johnny Depp. In fact, their cover story is titled:

Johnny’s broken heart

In other words, Vanessa Paradis drove him to it. She was a relentless hag ass bitch. She pushed him to his limits. She made his life miserable.

So OF COURSE he started drinking. OF COURSE he strayed with other women - including, allegedly, an extra on the set of Pirates Of The Caribbean, the one with Penelope Cruz. What choice did he have??? What reasonable man wouldn’t?

According to the magazine:

-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.

Says an Us Weekly source:

“Noth¬ing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”

Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman - someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist... it doesn’t matter who. All that matters was that if Vanessa wasn’t such a goddamn c-nt, he wouldn’t have had to find solace somewhere else.


Isn’t that the message here?

Oh but don’t worry. He may have been an emotional mess because he loved Vanessa so much and she’s a miserable bitch but it would never, ever, ever affect his relationship with his children. Johnny, after all, is a PERFECT father, tells a source to Us Weekly:

No matter what was going on between him and Paradis, Depp always made time to see Lily-Rose and Jack. If he had a day off while filming The Tourist in Venice in 2010, he’d fly to France “just so he could have an early breakfast with his kids before being on set the next day.”

Well they certainly left no angle uncovered. And isn’t the angle we’d all prefer to hear? Wouldn’t it be easier to blame the woman, always the woman, and make excuses for the man? Especially when the man is an iconic, beautiful reluctant movie star and brilliant artist? After all, she’s French. She’s a Euro. Euro women, you know, they have all these Euro quirks. And besides, why is she so thin? There must be something wrong with her if she’s so thin. French and thin with a gap between her teeth - oh but she was probably a nightmare to live with, spewing her skinny French words around all the time through her weird gapped teeth...

Don’t you feel sorry for Johnny?

Poor poor Johnny!

She turned him into a money machine and spoiled his creativity. She sent him straight to the bottle. She didn’t hold him enough. She deprived him of L.O.VE.!

Give Johnny a free pass!

Let him jam by night Marilyn Manson and f-ck by day with young Amber Heard and all her lesbian friends. The man has been tortured by that monster for too long. He needs to recover.

Is that who he is now, Johnny Depp? The asshole who’ll let his powerful friends tear down the mother of his children for the sake of his own reputation? Well done Mr Hollywood. Your character is showing.