Joseph Gordon-Levitt is currently promoting The Walk. Last night he was on The Tonight Show and sang Bitch Better Have My Money barbershop styles with Fallon and crew. It was OK. Maybe I’m just not feeling it because he’s never been a thing for me? He is a thing for many, many, many of you though. So I’m attaching these photos of him on Good Morning America today wearing mismatched socks and looking as he always does – impossibly ageless. You know what my problem is? And it’s unfair and I have to get over it?

Have you ever been to a sports event and they have a kid doing the national anthem? 99% of the people there are charmed. Oh look at him, he’s so precocious and delightful. I’m the one c-nt who doesn’t give a sh-t because I know that kid. That kid will make you stop eating in the middle of a family dinner, when food is the only thing that will get you through Thanksgiving, and force you to listen to him warble verbal gymnastics through an Usher song. I feel like that kid grew up to be Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Am I wrong? Maybe I’m wrong.

Because Joseph Gordon-Levitt went and got married and didn’t make it a production. Then he and his wife had a baby and it wasn’t a production. All we know is that it’s a boy. The name? Not sure. Like Evan Rachel Wood, who’s managed to keep the name of her child concealed for two years, it’s not out there and it probably won’t get out there. So if you really do want privacy? You can have privacy. I guess that kid doesn’t always grow up annoying.