I really should save this for a Friday, to send you roaring with laughter into the weekend. But it’s too good. It’s too f&cking good. And it’s so f&cking Rossum you will lose your sh*t. Promise.

So in the February issue of Self Magazine, Tori Spelling is featured in the “My TrueSelf” section, something about how and where she finds inspiration, complete with photos of her dogs, an obligatory pimp of her new jewellery line, and of course…

The Junior.

No story of Tori would be complete without KFed Jr, would it?

Tori, you see, decided to share with the readers of Self Magazine an email poem that Junior once sent to her blackberry. He composed these words all by himself, probably while balancing his bank account and not having sufficient funds to purchase a new batch of the anti-nausea medication that helps him hold back the hurl while he’s pretending to enjoy having sex with her.

Speaking of hurl… this is what Junior has decided to do with the English language. This is Junior’s ode to their love. I’m warning you, 10 hours of turbulence couldn’t out-Rossum this sh*t:

Two hearts become one
rising from the ashes,
Embattled lives no more.
For I have met you

Pure love penetrating our souls,
alone no more, united as one.
With belly full of child.
a family is born with everlasting love.

Forever my heart is yours.
Forever. For I have met you.


OK, so he didn’t sign his name Junior, but that is his name. And he really took the Rossum by the sugar and sweet pissed the sh*t out if it, non? Possibly even more offensive than the time he tattooed her head and tits onto his arm – remember that???

Seriously, my Chinese Squawking Chicken of a mother could have produced something more artistic:

I love mahjong
Mahjong very fun
Casino very fun too

Thanks to Tricia C for so generously transcribing Junior’s Shakespearean effort.