Radaronline went full balls on Friday afternoon with a report about Selena Gomez breaking up with Justin Bieber because of the allegations that he fathered the baby of Mariah (not Carey). That sound you heard was me screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO from the Maldives.

The next night, Selena and Justin showed up in Belfast, very much together, holding hands and smiling. OMG. I’m so relieved. Like, for real. I love them. I need them to be together forever.

Selena and Justin were in Ireland for the MTV EMAs. She presented. He won. Neither showed any signs of any stress as a result of the paternity scandal. And goddamn she is a pretty girl, isn’t she? I LOVE her face. He loves her face too! Could he possibly love her face AND “f-ck the sh-t” out of (you will never be a true) Mariah at the same time?  

If so, and I’m Bieber’s management, among the many matters to be addressed re: this situation, I’d be having a very serious discussion with the bodyguard. Because if he’s the dude procuring the pussy, I’m just saying he needs to be a little more selective, you know? Or is this how the kid is being trained in cheating? Like Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ashton Kutcher and everyone else styles...

Your bonafide has to be A plus. Your side pieces can bus tables at the Perkins so that you can get down and dirty with them in the parking lot or the bathroom, whatever.  

Is this they’re teaching him?

Here’s the thing - I don’t doubt that Bieber will be/is already a trouble maker. And the story, no doubt, it is GREAT for Gossip, totally. But this particular claim from this particular girl...

You don’t think it’s super sketchy? It turns out that Mariah (no Morocco) actually showed up at her ex-boyfriend’s last December telling him that she was carrying his child. He was like, um, no, sorry, the kid is not my son. (Click here to read about how his granny had to help him out with that. SO funny.) Then she lost her sh-t and put a brick through a car window (???) and punched him in the face three times and was arrested for assault.

I’m just saying maybe not get too excited about Bieber having a baby. It really, really might not be his baby. And he’ll be back in North America in two weeks to take a DNA test to prove it’s not his baby. Then, according to TMZ, he’ll sue (not f-ck) the sh-t out of Mariah (no Hello Kitty).

Let this be my plea for all you parents out there. Please don’t call your kid Beyonce/Rihanna/Ke$ha(ew)/Minaj/the like. Because if she grows up and becomes infamous, I just...how do you take it seriously???