At the beginning of the night, my post on Justin Bieber was supposed to be about his hair. I love his hair. And I'm not even done offending you. While some are comparing JB's hair to Brad Pitt, or that woman who had all those kids, my first thought when I saw it was...

River Phoenix.

Blasphemy? Well I'm not sorry!

So by the end of the carpet, because I was super nice to his hair, Justin Bieber fans were super nice to me on Twitter. Then he performed. The performance was...OK. If you didn't look too closely. Up close the moves were kinda sloppy. I mean he's gonna have to hit that a little harder if he wants to get to the next level. As much as I hate to admit it, when Justin Timberlake went solo at the VMAs, his sh-t was already pretty tight. Oh yeah, and he didn't start sobbing at the end of his song.

 


Wtffffff omgggggg.

What Do You Mean? How about Why Are You Crying...while being harnessed by a dick cup after jacking P!nk's wire game? Well that's when the JB collective stopped being friends with me on social media and started yelling at me for not appreciating his emotional background. Because he f-cked up all those times and had to apologise and it took a lot of courage to come back to this place of professional redemption, OK? 

Or, you know, he could just be one of those people who cries for attention. Selena cried too, remember? And then she thanked Jesus for helping her get over Justin Bieber.

So we've covered the feud, the nipple, Kanye diatribe, and now Justin's tears. See? This show had everything!

But we're not done with JB yet. He apparently was so overcome by his feels that he left right after his performance. And then started hyping the video for his new song which is a showcase for his big boy makeout skills and Calvin Klein underwear. Here’s the story:

JB hooks up with John Leguizamo in the rain to borrow his lighter and set up some kind of plan. Then he goes back to his girlfriend and they act out a new adult romance novel. I want you, let’s kiss, I hate you, let’s rub up against each other, you suck, but grind on me, keep grinding on me. She looks like Lana Del Rey. She licks his abs. Then they’re interrupted by people in masks who throw them in the back of the car so JB uses his lighter to set the mood and fondle some more. They end up at a warehouse, chased by the bad guys. In order to escape they have to jump and he asks her to trust him. She does. They fall. And they end up at a skate rave. Which is when her face lights up that he surprised her and figured out what she means.

Um.

Is that what they mean now?

Because if some dude that I was dating decided to orchestrate my KIDNAPPING in order to take me to a party…

Yeah, sure, I’d throw my arms around him, and choke his ass.

This is what they call romance now?