Hugh Grant’s “fleeting affair” just produced a daughter. Click here if you missed that post late yesterday. Now some girl, 20 years old, is claiming her “fleeting affair” with Justin Bieber also produced a child. And she’s suing him for child support.

Star Magazine broke the story along with the details of the alleged hook-up with then 16 year old Bieber last year. First of all her name is Mariah Yeater which... well... Vision of Love was exactly 20 years ago, you know? Like, do parents actually expect people to take their kids seriously when they’re named after music charts???

So anyway, Mariah’s kid is now 3 months old. She says that the baby was conceived backstage at a Bieber show. Why is a 19 year old girl going to a Bieber show? No matter. This is her version of the story and I read it with my hands in front of my face, squealing, so in other words, it’s AMAZING. Please. Don’t rush though these details, apparently taken from Mariah’s “hand-signed affidavit, sworn under the penalty of perjury”, like people don’t lie all the time under oath. (On this note, you have to read Tangled Webs because, well, perjury is the standard now. There is simply no fear anymore about not telling the truth, even when it’s the law.) But as I was saying - you need to savour this account, save it for lunch time, save it for when you can truly appreciate these words and the accompanying visuals that will take place in your mind:

"After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation.  Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time. (Lainey: are you screaming inside???)

After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone -- a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. (Lainey: I want you to picture little Bieber telling someone he wants to f-ck the sh-t out of them. This, obviously, is making my life.) At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds."

So f-cking good I want to read it again. Right?

Mariah wants a DNA sample. Bieber’s people are saying she’s full of sh-t and insist that they’ll counter-sue. Me I have no idea whether or not Bieber’s repeating history. Spoiled child pop singer loses virginity in the bathroom backstage after his bodyguard procures the pussy? Very believable. Random girl mounting bogus lawsuit for the cash money? Also very believable. Teen Romeo with the teddy bear gifts has an alter-ego who talks dirty and is a horny pig? I can see that. A famewhore is looking for a quick ride, well, I can see that too.

How horribly wrong is it of me to be curious about what Mariah looks like? To see the face that took his flower, if indeed it wasn’t Selena Gomez which... actually tears me up inside.

Here’s Justin at Ellen yesterday and Selena Gomez, with a LOT of hair, at a charity gala last night. Just... I need to know how he made it up to her. Did it involve a thousand doves being released into the air?