Three weeks ago, a movie called The Open Road starring Justin Timberlake and Jeff Bridges flamed out spectacularly at the box office. Oh, you haven’t heard of it? It was so sh-t, rumour has it, Pipsqueak wouldn’t promote it.

But still he keeps trying, trying to be an actor. Despite the fact that, given his track record, his music Midas Touch turns to poison on the big screen.

Shockingly, Hollywood still believes in him. An Emmy for hosting Saturday Night Live doesn’t mean he’s Sean Penn.

But they’ve given him another role. The Social Network is the story of Facebook based on Ben Mezrich’s The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook, a Tale of Sex, Money, Genius and Betrayal. I really enjoyed Mezrich’s previous work, especially Bringing Down The House, but The Accidental Billionaires … it stank the entire way through of bullsh-t. I’m actually not entirely sure if he bothered to do much research. And while it’s labelled “non-fiction”, consider Mezrich’s description to

"There are certain places in the book where I'm sort of doing a legitimate speculation…a best guess."

In other words, it’s perfect for Hollywood. Aaron Sorkin wrote the screenplay, Jesse Eisenberg will play Mark Zuckerberg and Pips is Sean Parker, the dude who started Napster and who subsequently invested in Facebook. Eisenberg is well cast. He can actually act.

But what is it with trying to force Justin Timberlake into our theatres?

Shooting on The Social Network starts next month in Boston. Meanwhile Shelf Ass Jessica Biel is readying for a trip to Vancouver. Here she is walking her dog yesterday. As you know, she’ll be working on A-Team in a supporting role as the “hot girl with a gun”. It’s the best she can get because, frankly, her abilities aren’t much better than her boyfriend’s.

Have you seen the new trailer for Valentine’s Day? The movie that stars everyone in Hollywood?

It opens on Julia Roberts, so undeniably (and I say it grudgingly) appealing, wonderful chemistry with Bradley Cooper. From there we move to Anne Hathaway, also a very believable, natural actress, followed by Shirley Maclaine and Hector Elizondo, adorable, and then...

Here come the Jessicas.

It’s a straight plummet.

Like reading cue cards.

Like the high school play.

I cringe at the Alba Bitch’s attempt at emotion. As for the Shelfy, well it doesn’t help that they gave her a terrible line. Not particularly imaginative, but it’s perfect for the MiniVan:

My closest relationship is with my blackberry. Thank God it vibrates!”

Her delivery is embarrassingly amateur. And it’s a piss poor way to cut a clip. Because they stacked the talent at the top and ended with the poseurs.

Photos from