Warring tabloids and a motherload of spin to sift through. As usual, Britney’s in the thick of it. Let’s to it, shall we? 

The ever reliable Star Magazine released their latest cover today – huge headlines blaring: Brit’s Baby Fractures Skull! According to Bonnie Fuller, wee Kevtwan LaBritnius fell off his high chair several days ago and when his concerned parents noticed 6 days later that his nap time had suddenly increased, they took him to the hospital where it was determined he had suffered a “minor skull fracture and a blood clot.” The next day, the Department of Children and Family Services dropped by for a visit, accompanied by the Sheriff’s Department. 

Now before y’all go screaming for the hills and thirsting for blood, Us Weekly promptly followed up with a much tamer report of their own. Much tamer because Janice Min’s crew is claiming that the DCFS visit was actually scheduled in advance as part of the ongoing investigation into the baby driving incident and the presence of a sheriff is apparently not out of the ordinary, especially when dealing with such a low classy population. Shortly after that, an official statement from the LA Department of Children and Family Services was released through TMZ, confirming that the home visit did occur but that the case was closed on the spot. At press time, the Federlines have yet to respond to the story and since it doesn’t sound like the authorities intend on pursuing the situation any further, it is highly unlikely they’ll give it any more attention that it has already received. 

Right then. So Britney dropped her baby on his head. Well now there’s a shocker. Because two people who were likely both spawned in a trailer park would NEVER neglect their child, right? You know what the real problem is? The real problem is that this bitch wants more kids. As if it"s not enough that they walk barefoot across this earth contaminating it with toe jam and cheetos - the Federlines are threatening to overpopulate our planet with their own race of degenerate cornrow caucasians. And desperate times call for desperate measures. Never thought I'd say this but since Kaballah evidently hasn"t worked, a healthy dose of Scientology just might be the answer. Nothing like a few aliens and Tom to get the job done, wouldn't you agree? Dear Church - if you're listening: please save Britney. Please send Tom.