Teen Choice 2006: Best & Worst
I have to tell you…I was worried. I was worried that Kevin would actually be good. I was worried that I’d have to be objective and grudgingly write my approval. Like the time Paris Hilton came out with a decent, cute, vocally engineered song and we all had to admit secretly or otherwise that it was actually quite palatable? Remember that? And don’t lie. SOMEONE is listening to her drivel and it isn’t just the puberty posse. With KFed though, it was even worse. Because as I mentioned a few weeks ago, people are beginning to lose their resolve. Buddy dresses up like Justin Timberlake and all of a sudden, no one remembers the carnage? No one remembers how he’s destroyed a pop princess with two potent weapons of mass destruction??? As I watched one tween after another express excitement about the Federline debut, as I gaped in horror as Timbaland cheekily reiterated the same thing, I pictured a new gossip landscape in which the Federline would no longer be a punchline but a new drug for the uneducated masses. This, my friends, was a legitimate concern, one I’ve no doubt you shared…until that moment of relief, when he stepped on the stage, when he opened his mouth, when the garbage came tumbling out – when the world was right again. Why? Because Kevin Federline, without question, without bias, without embellishment, is brilliantly, comfortingly, amazingly atrocious. All of it was atrocious. The dancing, the song, the way he performed it, and especially the lyrics – about his car and his money and his ice and his luxury life….so tired, so overplayed it would be an insult in itself to even speak of those he was trying to imitate, the imitation alone being enough to soil the good names of those he’s managed to violate. Every second was a blessing. And every second was worse than the previous. To the point that at the very end, all he could elicit from a throng of eager adolescents looking for any excuse to scream – all he could get out of them was the dreaded golf clap, accompanied by a look of stunned disgust not unlike the one on your face had you worked up the courage to watch. It was a moment I will treasure forever. Because the threat of his greatness paled in comparison to the c0nfirmation of his full on suckiness. Suffice to say, KFed will NOT have a recording future. KFed will likely never perform on such a large scale ever again. And KFed will most definitely not have a career of his own. Which means he’ll never, ever leave her. … … F&CK. Is that a good thing or a bad thing??? Thank Goddess for You Tube. Check it out hereto see KFed flop in spectacular fashion. I guarantee – it will make your day.