If you’ve been keeping up with the gossip pages over the holidays, you would have heard already that Mischa Barton is rumoured to be engaged to that vile piece of human waste we call Cisco Adler. Apparently he proposed a couple of months ago in Hawaii and she accepted. They have since spent every waking moment together, from Aspen for Christmas to Miami for New Year’s. I have no idea whether or not this is true. Unfortunately, I’ve received no reliable tips on the status of Mischa Barton’s interminable string of bad boyfriends. The only thing I’ve heard is that he treats her like a princess and that he supplies her with a steady stream of happiness. But that doesn’t change the fact that the very idea of her marrying him frightens me almost as much as the thought of Marc Anthony’s decaying body sleeping next to Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, yeah. Looks aren’t everything. But when you consider that this dirty f&cker used to be engaged to Kimberly Stewart, you begin to understand that Cisco is just a trailer park and a load of explosive sperm away from KFed territory. And since when is being compared to Le Federline anything less than the worst insult, like, ever??? Look at this man. And look at this beautiful girl. (from JJB) It’s an abomination of everything right in our universe, y’all. So do me a favour. If you run in to Ms. Barton, sit her down, give her a cigarette, and tell her to take her head out of her surprisingly curvy ass. I mean Nick Lachey is single, people. And wouldn’t that just be the best ever???