I love him. When he’s a mean motherf*cker I love him even more. How can you NOT love Karl Lagerfeld???

Jezebel has just excerpted a new article with Karl from Hong Kong’s prestige magazine in which Karl honours us with a glimpse into his mind. It’s, like, the best thing ever.

Except…

Where IS the bitch beating fan??? I miss the bitch beating fan!!!

Only the Weak Eat:
I hate the smell of cooking. Some people love it, but I don"t care for it. I don"t eat sweet things. I don"t eat greasy things. And I like fish better than meat. In fact, I hate meat. My doctor calls me to eat meat twice a week, as apparently we are cannibals. There used to be a Nobu here in Paris but it was very bad; it was horrible. The one one in London is great. It"s my favorite restaurant in London.

Fat is Evil:
Yes, new Russian girls are like this (very thin). But this is a subject I won"t discuss. You know why? In France there are a large percentage of young girls who are overweight and less than one percent are skinny. So let"s talk about the 25 percent who have a weight problem, or are overweight. We don"t need to discuss the less than one percent. Anorexia is nothing to do with fashion. These Russian girls are so young. Chinese ones are skinny, too, and bony. I don"t think it"s a subject to discuss. And in today"s world, many people take drugs, not only models, hmm? It"s an unnecessary subject. Let"s talk about the fat ones.

Kids are Evil:
That"s the last thing I want (is to have a child). I hate all children. For other people, it"s fine, but not for me. I was born not to be a family person.

Charity is Evil:
I live in certain isolation. I never take appointments in the morning. I leave my house only after lunch. I don"t want to have a social life. I"ve had enough of that in my life. It"s demode. It"s another era. Perhaps people are still excited by that era, but not me. It"s uninteresting today. It says nothing. It"s boring, pretentious and vulgar...Even for charity, people get paid. I try to avoid charity. It doesn"t happen for me. I"m rich enough not to have to do that. Thank God I don"t have to do that. I do a lot of unnecessary things for free, but I"m very much against that. Money itself isn"t interesting, the use of it is.

Judging by the frequent use of Demode – it’s his favourite word… Demode. Or is it démodé? Sounds way better as démodé. Like the Hills is five minutes from démodé. I worry that Louboutins are on the verge of démodé. Katherine Heigl is already démodé.

Click here for more on what Karl considers Démodé. He’s so amazing I’d let him beat me with his bitch beating fan, if only he would pull it out of retirement. But maybe the bitch beating fan is démodé? It must be. How démodé of me to not know otherwise.