Out of your league, girlfriend… totally out of your league.

Jessica don’t call me Latina Alba and Kate Hudson in France last night. As you can see, next to a real movie star, the Alba Demon looks positively amateur. Dressed like a constipated socialite with matron hair and the worst wannabe smile – it’s clear some people are truly only meant for TV.

And the thing is, Kate doesn’t even look all that, though everyone seems to be losing their sh-t over this dress. The colour is indeed spectacular but call me Cruise, to me it’s a glorified muumuu. Too Jennifer Lopez 2003, pale green at the Oscars with Ben Affleck. Or was it 2002? No matter. The point is, with a body like hers underneath all that canary, it wouldn’t have hurt to size down.

And still… Kate Hudson is glorious. Kate Hudson has it. Jessica Alba has nothing. Jessica Alba wants to be white on the outside and has ended up ugly on the outside. Wanker.