Girl needs a new speechwriter. I mean, I understand the need to grease the MiniVan Majority, to craft a perfect perfect illusion and a picture perfect existence, but creativity still counts for something and in the creativity department, the Cruise strategy is for sh-t. I mean if she’s going to say the same thing over and over again, at least make it fresh…you know what I mean? Harper’s Bazaar interview, canned answers below and my suggested changes: On Loving Tom: I have a husband and children that I adore. I have a career that I really love. When I sit back and reflect, it’s WOW. I am very grateful. Tom makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and has since the day I met him. I love being with him. I love calling him husband. Translation: Dear MiniVan, this is a virile fertile man who can spread his seed and satisfy the loin. And absolutely not gay. On Dating Tom: Here in Los Angeles, my first motorcycle ride…to the beach. It was amazing and fast. I was in love from the moment that I shook his hand for the first time." Suggestion: Dear MiniVan, My husband asserts his manly manliness by riding a motorcycle and revving it really loud. When he does this I giggle with glee and marvel at the manly man machinery nestled between his legs, to say nothing for the machinery that keeps me sated every night. On Mothering Tom’s Children: I felt so proud to be having a baby and so excited. And I felt closer to other women-to my sisters, to my mom. I felt empowered, like "I"ve given birth. I did it! There"s nothing I can"t handle. I"ve really enjoyed this time that I have taken to be with Suri as well as the challenges of the first couple of months: feeding and pumping, learning to decipher what each cry means-is she hungry? Is she tired? Does she need a fresh diaper? And figuring out how to really help her. Suggestion: Dear MiniVan, Tom’s love has made me a real woman. Because only a real man can complete a woman. Like many of you, I am now a real woman and a real mother. Tom has fulfilled me. Because his heterosexually is so fulfilling. Shall we light a fulfillment candle together? On Working for Tom: I have a whole new set of responsibilities. My work is very important to me. My family is very important to me. When I go to work, it will be the right thing, worth my time and worth my time away from my family. Suggestion: Dear Minivan, I am whole now because of Tom. Only a real man like Tom Cruise could make me feel so whole. I am a mother and Tom’s woman. These are my duties and my calling and everything else is secondary. I would never compromise that. But if there is a day when my man and I sit down together, next to the fire, and look into each other’s eyes, and decide that acting again may be an option, I will be grateful and appreciative but I will not need it. And in making that decision, my Tom, the most virile, most nongay man in the world, will smile his smile and whisper his encouragement, and I will ride the wave of his beautiful, amazing, fantastic, terrific, transformative, and marvelous support all the way to work and back. ****************** Much better, non? And since Posh seems to be coaching her, maybe she can help spice up her language? Never mind…I forgot. Mrs Beckham doesn’t read. Source