Baby umbrellas warm my bitch heart. It’s because of Matilda Ledger, I think. Two weeks ago, when we were in Europe, our mornings in Paris began with Matilda in the lobby. She’d be with her nanny, playing, hopping around, we could hear her chatting to herself conversationally, not in a high pitched squeal like so many of those little irritants but a quiet cooing…even I was charmed. After a while, they’d always go for a walk. One day it was raining so they gave her a miniature umbrella. As we boarded our bus, I remember watching her walk away, trotting along on the sidewalk proudly holding her red umbrella still yammering, yammering, yammering…

Little Sci has a baby umbrella too! Only hers is way fancier. Check her out with mom yesterday in New York on an excursion to The Gap. Little Sci kills me. I love her.

And you must love her too. Because many of you moms are getting all judgy on Katie’s ass: is Little Sci being abused by her famewhoring parents and forced to walk outside all the time in the cold without a coat? 

You know me. I’m all over accusing Tom of atrocities. Bring it!

But …

I realised something on the beach on Monday when we were walking Marcus. I realised that I tell my dog to “f-ck off” at least 20 times a day. Often in public. This is because he’s an asshole who will never do what he’s told and is constantly looking for trouble. Mad Voice is the only voice Marcus will respond to. To a bystander however it might seem like I beat him. 

Is it possible that Little Sci is like Marcus? That she’s headstrong and impetuous? That she won’t wear a coat? That she won’t wear a dress? And that perhaps Katie’s problem is simply that she indulges her? 

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Nah. What do I know? After all, my womb hates babies. And these two are proven paparazzi tippers. 

So let’s judge. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are the worst parents ever. They’d rather see their daughter suffer from pneumonia than risk missing out on a great photo opportunity. Someone needs to step in. Child Services needs to step in. Suri needs to be rescued. Otherwise she will die from hypothermia. 

Way more fun!

Photos from Splashnewsonline.com