Had to watch Katie Holmes on Letterman last night if only to see what was underneath yesterday’s red coat. It was short and it was white and Posh needs to train her on how to walk in those heels because the whole look fell apart as soon as she moved her legs. 

The problem, poor thing, is that she doesn’t know what to do when she doesn’t have to slouch, so accustomed is she to compensating for the Tom’s height restriction. Faced with an opportunity then to actually stretch her back, Katie unfortunately just doesn’t look right. And she never looked comfortable either.

Coulda been the length of her dress. I mean seriously… it’s not like you don’t know. It’s not like you go to Letterman not understanding that there’s a chair and it faces the audience and if you’re not careful, you’ll give a glimpse of something that makes Tom ill. But still she woke up on Monday and decided she’d put on a little number that barely covered her ass, resulting in her having to tuck her hands in to her sides the whole time to make sure the dress wouldn’t ride up. 

It was weird. And awkward. And she was awkward. And I felt awkward for her. But most of all, I felt … empty. Because Katie is empty. An empty beautiful girl with unbelievable legs who spaces out repeatedly, answering questions with one word after long pauses: 

Dave: the world of showbiz, boy, it can be tough hey?

Katie: (pause…. Pause… Pause… shrugs…) Yeh.

No doubt, she’s pleasant enough. And polite too. But it’s almost forced. It’s unnatural. It’s rehearsed. And … 

Is she a liar? 

When asked about Dawson’s Creek, she told Dave that they all still keep in touch. 

Bull f&cking sh*t. 

And when they talked about Christmas and relatives and spending it with friends and family in Colorado, Dave jokingly asked “does anybody (who comes over) want money?”

Katie said no… but what about Xenu?

Well, it turns out Xenu doesn’t need defending. PageSix.com is reporting that ABC News is being called out today for not asking the hard hitting questions during Katie’s appearance yesterday on Good Morning America. As you know, Katie is currently making publicity rounds for Mad Money. Ironically, Andrew Morton is doing the same in support of his unauthorised Cruise biography. Given the timing, it would have a no-brainer for Diane Sawyer to ask the question… but Diane didn’t go there. 

Instead, the two women discussed fashion and babies and hair care. Which really shouldn’t be surprising. I mean can you blame GMA? Remember who watches GMA. Remember the MiniVan Majority watches the GMA. So really… why would they go there??? 

Here are Katie, Big Sci, and Little Sci heading out for dinner last night in New York. 

Photos from Wenn.com and Splashnewsonline.com