I’ve decided I want it to be Katie Holmes. But, but, but...she’s too old! Shut up. She’s 34 and she barely looks 29, or is it that women can only get off seeing young women get off? The author of Fifty Shades Of Grey ripped that sh-t off Twilight anyway. And while I still haven’t seen Twilight 5, Robert Pattinson didn’t ever look 17, in any of those movies.

Isn’t Katie Holmes that girl? She was already that girl! Almost. She was told what to do and where to go and what to wear and when to eat. She was controlled. She was dominated...just not sexually. Which is exactly why she could do it. She flirted with it before, do you remember? In The Gift?

Think of Katie Holmes in The Gift. Now think of Katie Holmes as Anastasia Steele. See?

Click here for a refresher but it’s NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

I’m telling you...

If only she’d let herself, she’s totally the one.

Here’s Katie taking Suri to school today. And you got the memo about her definitely NOT dating Jake Gyllenhaal, right? But that was FAST, wasn’t it? It was SO FAST the way Jake’s people moved to kill that rumour. And it’s not like he never gets linked to people and randoms here and there, you know? But the speed with which they took that off the table, sh-t, we get it, you know? You totally don’t want anyone to think you went there.

Interestingly enough though, I’m told by multiple sources that Katie was seen that night at the Jay-Z/Coldplay show in Brooklyn tagging along with Jessica Chastain and her boyfriend. Now that I can get down with: Katie and Jessica being friends.